I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
