i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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