Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
