He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
