I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
