he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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