My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
