Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
