Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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