i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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