I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
