I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize