I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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