Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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