T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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