I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
