May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
