why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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