I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize