last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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