I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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