nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
