Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
