I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
