Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
