How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
