now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
