Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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