is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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