Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
