Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
