Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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