my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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