If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
