So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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