nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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