too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
