It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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