at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize