I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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