my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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