drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
