I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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