covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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