What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
high people should be assigned attendants
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize