Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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