I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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