Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
