I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
