Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
