what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
