You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
