Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
