i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
