Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
