sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
