My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
