i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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