did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
