I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
