Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
