we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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