Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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