I puked a lego.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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