"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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