ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
