The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize