guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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