I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
