She's JV to your varsity
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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