I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
