i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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