I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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