"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
