You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
