HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
