are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
